About: Holly was on her way to San Diego. She’d grown tired of all the hipster coffee shops she would frequent in Melbourne and so she decided to brave the 18-hour plane ride. Unfortunately, she was murdered on the bus ride from the airport to the college area. Rope around the neck from the back seat, not the way she’d have chosen to go.
Then she woke. She was striped away from her body like a cheese slice from plastic. So she carried herself on over to SDSU to continue her Creative English major. She’s still trying to work out how the credit transfer works.
About: Lindsay is your average genetically-manipulated test tube product of an above-average union; a Nobel Laureate chemist father famous for his research concerning the dynamics of chemical elementary processes as well as his patent bouts of infidelity, and a cardiothoracic surgeon mother with a fondness for surreptitiously appropriated methadone and barbiturates. Thankfully, the propensity for illicit sexual exploits and prescription drugs was not hereditary; the stunning intellectual genius of her parents was, but she didn’t get that either. So much for the intention that Lindsay, the only progeny of two of the brightest individuals on the planet, would be the one to figure out how to reverse the effects of the aggressive synthetic bacteria strain responsible for wiping out 90% of the world’s corn and wheat crops, directly and indirectly causing over 1 billion deaths in the last 14 months. Oh well. A degree in English will have to suffice.
About: Constructed with defunct parts in1882, SR727272 breathed his first stream ready to fulfill his purpose of manufacturing pencils. However, the release of a newer, more energy and cost efficient model made SR727272 obsolete and was thus left in standby mode in a dusty warehouse. After the liquidation of Ultimate Pencils Inc. in 1988, SR727272 was sold for $5 to Burger King, who discovered they had no use for a pencil making steambot. Thus, left to rot as a coat hanger in a corporate office, SR727272 was soon accidentally activated and proceeded to murder everyone by penciling them. Left alone in the office, the steambot soon discovered the joys of the internet and book reviewing at The Bizarre Assemblage, as there was no more pencil making to be had.
-Kevin is our Resident Expert in Magical Realism/Epic Fantasy
About: Kevin was discovered many years ago in a dumpster by Alleyway Monks who recognized his potential for the telling of tales. Raised to believe that magic still resided within the world, Kevin grew into an urban explorer – a dangerous line of work involving the exploration of abandoned city blocks and derelict monolithic buildings. One day, as he scaled a groaning office sky-scraper, Kevin stumbled upon a string of graffiti on the fifty-second floor that mapped his life, told his story. It described his birth, the abandonment in the dumpster behind the Irish pub, and his rescue. It flowed along the walls, this graffiti, painting pictures interwoven with laced words that detailed Kevin’s growth and penchant for heights, for exploration, for the unknown. The graffiti wove its way across his timeline until, as Kevin turned the corner, it stopped suddenly, right at the point of the discovery of his story in the building. Not knowing what to do, Kevin left the building and went in search of his mentors, the Alleyway Monks. They smiled when he related his discovery and told him that his time as a storyteller had come. Stories would now be his life – a dedication he dove into with enthusiasm. He began reading everything he could, pouring over texts and relating their contents to others. When Al Gore invented the internet, Kevin seized the chance to reach a broader audience and ended up, through a series of rather strange events, at The Bizarre Assemblage, where he writes book reviews and interviews to this day.
[Warning: There is nothing remotely funny or even magical about this very boring, very generic biography.]
About: Once upon a time in a foggy city (not) so far away, was a young girl who could only dream in cartoon. At her birth, the prophesy believed the girl to be the next great storyteller and the future of animation. The likes of Disney, Dreamworks, and Warner Bros. were giddy with joy at the news of the animation prodigy. Guided by the soft illumination of the Urban Lights, they brought gifts of the Oscar, Golden Globe, and Nickelodeon Blimp as a celebration of her birth. The young girl went on to have a successful career in the entertainment industry winning multiple awards for her contributions to Yo’ Hubba Hubba, How to Train Your Significant Other, Skeeter (an unaired spin-off series of Doug), and many others.The person described above is not Candice Leung. Instead, Candice finds herself frequently tripping over words, rhymes, and on occasion slightly uneven pavements. Two years from now, she will be a champion krumper and the proud owner of an English bulldog named Stella.